e-tarded

This is a tribute/journal of the stupid questions, experiences and conversations that I’ve had in my 17 + years or working in Information Technology.  Granted, I’ve said and exceptionally done many stupid things. I will continue to do so. Although, if there was a International contest every 4 years where medals were given to the e-tardest, they would be there.

M: Denotes me talking     O: Denote other person

  • Left Mouse Button : Paraphrased

Phone Call

M:Left click the mouse on the clock and then select adjust time.
O:I don’t get it. What’s the big deal if I use my left hand or my right?

  • Pear O dug em : Actual

In person

O:This is the corporate paradigm (pronounced: pear Oh dig um) that we have to deal with. Any questions?
M:I don’t know what a pear Oh dig um is.
O:It’s ok. I know you didn’t go to college, I will explain it to you later.

  • Converstating : Actual

In person

O:I was converstating with the guy from the 5th floor. He said that thingy your looked at still isn’t working.
M:Ok, I will look at the “thingy” again, but what does “converstating” entail?
O:What do you mean?
M:Never mind.

  • US?: Paraphrased

Phone call

O:What does “US” mean?
M:What do you mean? What are you asking? What you and I mean, or the literal definition of “US”?
O:No, the word “US”.
M:I don’t mean to be impolite, but you know you’ve called the IT department and not an English department?
O:Well the word “US” is on my computer. That’s why I am calling.
M:Again, I don’t mean to be impolite, shucks, yeah I guess I do. You have many words on your computer. You even have an application called “Word”. So unless you can communicate the context in which you’re asking what does “US” mean. I could just randomly start giving you all probable definitions.
M:The word “US” is on a box with my login id.
O:Ahh, that is the MS Windows Domain that you logon to. It’s there every time you logon to your workstation. It’s been that way for three years. Are you not able to get logged on?
M:(person logs on to the workstation) Oh no, I can login. Is that all I needed?
O:Needed for what?
M:I don’t know, for the domain thing?
O:I’m confused. You just called me about the word “US” and you never had any problems?
M:I guess not. I saw it there this morning and I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a virus.
O:Ok, thank you, bye.

  • Burned Internet : Actual

In person

O:If I bring you a blank CD can you put the Internet on it for me?
M:No.

  • FAQ? : Paraphrased

In person

O:I looked at the changes you made on the Intranet and I don’t think it’s funny so take it down now.
M:I don’t know what you’re talking about. What wrong with the Intranet.
O:The foul language anagram you put up there. This is a corporation and were not going to tolerate funny men that use company property for their own amusement.
M:Ok, honestly, you’ve completely lost me. You’re going to have to show me what you’re talking about.
(We pull up the Intranet and he starting pointing to the FAQ link)
O:It right there and don’t tell me you didn’t put it up there because I had someone pull the page edits.
M:Yeah, I put that up there. I still don’t understand what wrong.
O:You think you’re smart but I know what you’re doing. Showing the most common questions and making the link look like you’re telling people “Faaa Q” (F**K YOU).
M:Ahh no. That is something I would like to say to people, but FAQ is common acronym for Frequently Asked Questions. I am find it really offensive that you don’t know the difference between an acronym and and anagram.
O:Yeah, well I don’t buy your story mister. Take it down now, and you knew what I meant. You don’t have to be a smart ass all the time.
M:Would you prefer I be a dumb ass?

  • Think? : Actual

In person ( I was working as a systems administrator and network engineer)

O: I need you to give everyone access to the network at the X building.
M: I think that’s going to cause some problems.
O: This organization doesn’t pay you to think. You’re paid to do.
M: No, I fairly sure I am paid to think.
O: No, you’re hired to DO a job.
M: What if my job was thinking. If I was DOing thinking am I still DOing my job?
O: Just what I tell you.
foot note: This change in July 2001 resulted in spreading the “Code Red” virus worm throughout the entire organization.

  • What? : Paraphrase

On Phone

O: Oh, hello. I was calling because I had a question.
M: Hello back, what’s the question.
O: Ahh… mmmm…. I don’t know. What was I thinking about?
M: Cheese?
O: What?
M: Where you thinking about cheese?
O: No. Why would I think about cheese?
M: I just figured if your going to call me and ask me a stupid question like, “What was I thinking about” I figured it polite to at least try to guess. Ok, bye.

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